7 Positive Parenting Tips on Sibling Rivalry (with free printable)

Read this in: اردو (Urdu)

Family dynamics have changed a lot over the past year. Sibling rivalry is also getting a lot more attention. I spoke about the different parenting styles in my previous post. Link here. Handling sibling rivalry was a request that I wanted to address first.

This is needed especially with Ramadan approaching fast. Ramadan (or Ramzan in Urdu) is approaching fast. We can all use some help to handle sibling rivalry during the testing days of fasting.

I have two young girls with sibling rivalry showing up now and then. My insight comes from my own experience as well as what I have learned from various sources. I will link out as needed.

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What is sibling rivalry?

When there is a competition among children for their parent or caregiver’s attention, it can show up as sibling rivalry. The extent and severity of it can vary with the family structure, the number of siblings, and other factors.

While having a sibling is associated with positive social and psychological outcomes, the rivalry can often turn into strained relationships later in life.

What can be the causes and outcomes

There are often times many complicating factors involved. That can vary depending on the family situation, the number of siblings and age gap.

How parents treat them

Children are very sensitive to social cues. As early as the age of 3, the children can start learning about their position and relationship with other family members.

When they think that their parents are favoring a sibling, it can look like showering praise, giving encouragement and noticing their achievements more. That can lead to feeling frustrated and not valued as a child.

Gender

Girls (sisters) are more likely to get along than boys (brothers). Often that stems from competition among them. Twin boys, for instance, have a lot of competition in terms of societal expectations. It can start from comparing milestones like who started walking first and can extend to the school and sports performance.

Children who are close together in age and are of the same gender are the most likely to have sibling rivalry going on at any given moment.

Stress from life events

Often significant changes in family dynamics can result in a stressful sibling relationship. If a new brother or sibling is on the way, or if a parent passes away, such significant events can have a huge impact on the relationship between siblings.

Getting married is another one that can lead to friction among them. A lot of Pakistani dramas come to mind with the band-bhabhi issues.

Neglect

The other extreme is when they feel neglected and face no consequences for hurting a sibling.

This happens when parents do not intervene at all and the rivalry gets worse and worse. It can take the extreme of sibling abuse. This abuse can be physical, emotional, and, in extreme cases even sexual. This article by a trauma survivor goes into more detail. Some astounding statistics are mentioned in this Times article from the work of a prominent sociologist Diana Russell who studied violence against women.

How to deal with it?

First, the reality is that we do not choose our siblings. But they are the people who share life experiences with us for the greatest amount of time.

How parents choose to raise their kids can have many long-term consequences for sibling relationships. There are other factors specific to each family too which can make it difficult to pinpoint the exacerbating factors at times.

Another very important fact to remember is that we as parents are learning along with our kids. We can switch back to ways that are familiar to us in terms of how we were raised as well. There is no such thing as a perfect parent. All you can do is try and work towards improving your relationship with the kids.

1. Dealing with arrival of the sibling

This is the root of where things often start. Talking to the older sibling is very important. Telling them that they are going to have a special role as an older sibling makes them feel special too. I tried this early on with my older one and encouraged her to participate in preparing for the younger sibling’s arrival.

There are children’s books out there that talk about this. I found these that were Psychologist recommended (affiliate links): My sister is a monster. and You were the first.

2. Think behavior not the person

Labeling children can be a trigger for feelings of jealousy and feeling inadequate among siblings. When you say look at the athlete/artist/wild/good eater and the list goes on, it leads to competition among them.

Instead, think of the behavior and praise that so other siblings get a chance to follow it as well. Statements like, “I like the way you arranged your toys”, will highlight something that the child did which was worth praising. If you instead say, “this is my organized one! “, that would make the other siblings feel like it is a quality only that sibling possesses. Hence it would lead to competition.

3. Individual attention

The key is to schedule time for each kid in which there are no distractions (put your phone away, turn TV off). You focus entirely on that kid for 10-20 minutes. They have to feel like the center of the universe. Let them pick an activity they want to do for that time (e.g. play with blocks, listen to music, dance party, drawing, tea party) and you just follow them.

At the end you can acknowledge the experience by saying something like, I enjoyed spending this time with you and look forward to doing this again.

4. Skills to make peace

This is very important to develop their emotional regulation skills. I wrote an article earlier in which I talked about dealing with emotions. Read here

When they have a fight, first help them deal with the emotional part if they are super angry. When they have cooled down, they are ready to talk. After that, ask them to express their feelings by saying statements like, “I feel…”

Next is to give them the statements that can be used in response. Like, “I feel angry when you do not let me play with your doll” can be responded to as “I am not done with playing yet, but I will let you know when I am done.”

5. A word on taking turns…

We all want kids that learn to share. But you do not have to force them to share everything. I know, it came as a surprise to me too when I learned it. But the key is to give them autonomy so it is they who are deciding when their turn is up and not the parent.

For instance, if a child is playing, asking them to share it right away will give a bad feeling to associate with sharing. Instead, asking the child to share when they are done gives them chance to be assertive about their feelings. While the other sibling is waiting (impatiently) you are instilling a sense of impulse control as well. They will have to wait for their turn. This is a vital skill that kids need to learn while their brain is developing. You can read more examples here.

It works! It also gets easier the more you practice and I have a two year old who models this without being asked.

Plus the bonus is that you can teach the sibling who is giving up the toy to show courtesy and kindness by saying “here you go, I am all done”.

6. Fairness and equality

It can be often hard to be objective. But you have to remember that you as the parent need to show them what fairness looks like.

If something unacceptable is done by one sibling and you do not notice it versus giving a punishment when the other sibling does it, kids will internalize this behavior as acceptable. They are always measuring out your behavior.

Equality is that everyone gets the same thing, fairness is that they get what they need.

Instead, you have to be fair. Avoid blaming or taking sides. But tell them how you are being fair.

When a new baby is in the picture, they may feel like the additional attention is unfair, but you can remind them that when they were a baby, they needed the same amount of attention as well.

7. Stay out of the conflict

This needs some practice from the parents as well. You have to set some ground rules (no name-calling and outline unacceptable behavior, for instance) but let them figure out a solution.

If the conflict becomes physical, you have to intervene right away. But, if they are arguing, let them sort it out among themselves.

Sometimes the conflicts can mean something else is going on. If a sibling is getting upset over unusual things, talk to them without shaming them and ask them how they are feeling. Keep open communication so they know they can trust you.

For instance, if the older sibling wants a ride at the same time as the younger one, ask them what a fair solution can be so they both get a turn. Help them problem-solve on their own so they can get practice for the future as well.

If they still cannot resolve it, come up with the same boat scenario. That means that if they are not able to decide, nobody will get a turn. Hence, they will be motivated to find a solution and work together as they are all in the same boat.

Free printable for conflict resolving

I have added a free printable that has a list of things you could choose at random for resolving sibling conflicts.

Be sure to download it from the resource library. All you need to do is sign up with your email to access it.

I hope you found something useful. Please share this post or bookmark it some back to it. Let me know your tips too.

Read this in: اردو (Urdu)