Read this in:
اردو (Urdu)
Nowadays, parenting seems to be a job description in a category of its own. The way different parents choose to parent can have an impact on the rest of the child’s life. But, the extent to which it does depends on many factors. I will discuss the main behavior based parenting styles here.
Who is a Parent?
The term parenting applies to anyone who is taking care of a child. It extends beyond the biological relations.
Grandparents or other people who help should also be included in this category.
How did we figure out parenting styles?
A lot of modern era parenting research is based on a study done by an eminent developmental psychologist named Diana Baumrind.
In the 1960’s she conducted a child behavior study of 100 middle class preschool children. She did interviews and observations.
To make it objective to classify her findings, she defined two variables.
She chose two axes or traits to define three styles of parenting. The two axes were parental responsiveness and demandigness.
Axis one: Parental responsiveness
In the words of Diana Baumrind herself, responsiveness describes “the extent to which parents intentionally foster individuality, self-regulation, and self-assertion by being attuned, supportive, and acquiescent to children’s special needs and demands” (Baumrind, 1991)
It means how much the parents are responding to the needs of the child.
Axis two: Parental demandigness:
Diana Baumrind says that it refers to “the claims parents make on children to become integrated into the family whole, by their maturity demands, supervision, disciplinary efforts and willingness to confront the child who disobeys”. (Baumrind, 1991).
In other words, what are the parent’s expectations for the child’s behavior. It is also the aspect that deals with behavior control.
Three main Parenting Styles
For the 1960’s, her research identified some groundbreaking findings. While it is important to note that these are not set in stone, her ideas are still useful to identify broad categories of parenting.
Authoritarian parenting: (the dictator)
These are the strict kind of parents with high expectations and severe consequences.
They do not tolerate misbehaviour and often use punishment for bad behavior. They often view kids as something to be strictly raised by black and white rules.
They consider praise to be dangerous as it could make the child feel full of himself/herself.
On the axes, these are the parents with high demandingess and low responsiveness.
Permissive parenting: (Go with the flow)
These are the parents who have low expectations, and treat kids as individuals with their own autonomy.
They view kids as friends. Their kids are often only interested in having fun. They dislike rigid rules.
They often use bribing or manipulation to get some control.
They have few rules and do not have firm control on the child’s behavior.
On the axes, these are the parents with low demandingess and high responsiveness.
Authoritative parenting: (Supportive with rules)
These are parents who have a mix of the two.
They try to be assertive with clear expectations for their child. At the same time they also have supportive attitude and listen to their child.
They set clear boundaries and let the child venture on his own. They also expect the child to have assertive qualities.
They use positive attention as motivation for good behavior. So the child would want to do good things to earn more praise.
This has evolved into something that resembles positive parenting these days.
Bonus category: Neglectful parenting
Based on extension of her work, in 1971 in another paper a fourth category was added.
That was defined by parents who fulfill their child’s physical needs. But they keep themselves emotionally away from the child’s needs.
Children raised in this manner tend to have low self esteem and they are not as socially competent compared to other styles.
They tend to perform poorly in school.
They fall on the low demandingness and low responsiveness category on the graph.
How can you classify your style
These categories do not mean one parenting style falls neatly into one category. By default we all may have different styles in different aspects.
The environment has a role to play in the outcome as well.
Another thing to know is that the cultural and social aspects of parenting were not really examined here. There is also no analysis related to socioeconomic differences. All the kids studied here were middle to high class.
The key takeaway is that there is a magic zone we need to keep in mind, similar to Goldilocks story. A modern day term that goes with that style is called Positive Parenting.
What is positive parenting?
I recently attended a session on positive parenting. The notion that parenting can be positive or not scared me to be honest. But it is a form of authoritative style of parenting.
They focus is on building a relationship with your child where you show that you are willing to
- care
- teach
- communicate
- provide for the needs of child
This is done consistently and unconditionally.
Can I pick a style?
Most new parents are unaware that the way they were raised will directly affect how they raise their kids. If they were spanked or hit as a child, they will likely consider that to be a normal way to raise a child. If they were neglected or had no rules, they are likely to do the same.
But not all hope is lost. Although parenting is influenced by how you were raised, you can learn to adopt a different style based on the information that favors it.
I will be covering some aspects of that in upcoming posts, so do not forget to signup for the newsletter.
Let me know which aspects you would like me to address first in the comments.
Read this in:
اردو (Urdu)
Anney- looking forward! Can’t wait to read about it
stay tuned, also let me know what are the areas you want me to write about first. I have so many to think about
Sibling rivalry, kid constantly demanding toys to start with??
ok, great to know…I will keep those in mind as I prepare future posts. Please share the post with someone who might find it useful