Read this in:
اردو (Urdu)
Empathy has become hard to cultivate at the moment. It has been over a year since the Pandemic wreaked havoc all over the world. The countless hours of screens that have replaced normal face-to-face interaction have come at a cost. The connection that we all crave naturally as humans have become hard to come by. How do we feel that we are any different than those characters on the TV screen: remote, distant. How then are we supposed to teach our children about empathy?
My brush with empathy
My daughter started Kindergarten in the midst of all this. Her first day of Kindergarten picture was taken at home, next to a whiteboard that had the first day of Kindergarten scribbled over it. She met her teacher and classmates through the screen of Zoom, where everyone was reduced to a rectangle about 3 inches wide. Their bright and shiny faces were so happy to start school.
As an anxious parent, I watched closely how things were going during class, passing papers and supplies as requested by the teacher. It felt like school started for me all over again. Then one kid kept interrupting the teacher. This continued for the next few days. My daughter who is shy and takes some time to warm up was mostly quiet. I started feeling more and more frustrated by the imprudence. During one of the sessions, I just yelled at the kid and my daughter froze. Even though they could not hear what I had said, I felt embarrassed and stepped away. I overheard the teacher addressing the child and asked him to wait for his turn patiently.
It is easier for others to say that you need to show empathy. But showing what it looks like is something else. When I saw my child not getting the space I thought she deserved, it was easy for me to lash out at the kid I knew nothing about. I reduced him to the rectangle I saw on the screen. At that moment I lacked empathy for that child’s emotions.
What makes us empathic
It is interesting to note that while we are born with the ability to sense each other’s emotions, empathy is not a natural phenomenon. There are aspects that you learn as you grow older. For instance, in this study, they looked at the response of participants aged 7 to 40 by obtaining functional MRIs when they were shown painful situations, accidental or intentional. When they were shown accidental situations, they had a visceral reaction (emotion-related) and for the intentional one, they had a more thought-based reaction (evaluating it).
Kids feel the emotions of others around them all the time. But as they get older, they are able to find the logic in their mind behind those emotions. So as we age, we develop mechanisms to stop ourselves from becoming overwhelmed by the emotions. This becomes the basis for ethical and moral issues such as racism, bullying etc.
How can we make our kids more empathic
Children experience emotions soon after they are born. The way they learn to cope with those emotions comes from observing the response of others around them. By the modeling of behavior by their caretakers and communicating via games or stories, the important skill of sharing another person’s perspective can be learned.
“Empathy is caught, not taught.”
– Mary Gordon, the founder of Roots of Empathy
It starts with identifying emotions first. I have another post where I talked about the importance of recognizing our emotions.
Here I will list a few more ways in which we can help our children learn about empathy.
1. Talking about the feelings of others
They have to learn that the same emotions that they are experiencing are also present in others. So we can use words like, “your sister is feeling sad because she lost her doll, should we go and get her another one?”
2. Suggesting how we can help make it better
This can spark their imagination. We can say something like, ” Looks like your brother has hurt his knee, let’s get him a bandaid.
3. Read stories about feelings together
I have not found such books in Urdu but a few well reviewed ones are mentioned below.
Right now series by child Psychologist Dr. Daneila Owen.
The Boy with the Big Big Feelings
4. Teach self-awareness by using “I” statements
This is something that we as adults need to practice often as well. For instance, ” I do not like it when you are kicking me, it hurts and I feel sad.”
Everything starts with us.
Like everything else, this needs patience and practice. I have been trying to improve my own sense of empathy as a parent. I feel that our generation has been blessed to have access to resources to understand these complex social and emotional issues. I hope we are able to keep improving things in little ways here and there. It adds up!
Let me know your thoughts. Share if you found this useful.
Read this in:
اردو (Urdu)
That was really well said ! It’s been tough year for everyone ! Empathy (رحمة) is the key thing we should keep practicing in our daily life💓
Thank you Fatima! We often despair but I feel we need to think about what kind of steps we can take that can slowly make the world a better place.
This is an important topic. Lack of empathy and respect is at the core of a lot of conflicts. We all need to get better at empathy to be happier and kinder people.
It sure is…While we cannot do much to fix this in adults, I think knowing about it to help our kids become more empathic is more productive and helpful